Welcome to Dear Melissa, where I answer your questions about transitioning into or completing a Whole30, successfully sticking to your new healthy habits, and figuring out how to make this lifestyle work in the real world. Today, I’m helping you deal with your parents and their blatant disregard of your instructions when it comes to your kids’ food.
My husband and I just finished a Whole30 and loved it! We lost cravings, bloat, aches, pains, inches, and a few pounds. We still have one huge obstacle that we can’t quite overcome. Our kids (12 and 10) are both obese, but will not get on the program. At our house Whole30 food is all available, but we live next door to my in-laws (their grandparents) who only eat highly processed, fatty, sugary junk food and drinks. They supply my children with this food whenever they want, in unlimited quantities. It’s so frustrating to me! I’ve talked to my in-laws and children about it, but it hasn’t helped. I’m so tempted to ban them from their grandparents’ home. Any advice? –B.F., New Mexico
Every time I get a question like yours, it makes me grateful that all the grandparents in my toddler’s life are fully supportive of our way of feeding him. However, this means I have no firsthand experience with how to deal with this—only my research, my instincts, and the experience I’ve earned helping thousands of Whole30’ers deal with social and family situations. Let the record reflect that my street cred here is solid, but not perfect.
This can be an incredibly divisive situation, and needs to be handled both directly and carefully. Let’s talk about your options, from least to most confrontational.
Note: For reference, I’ve written on this subject once before, directly to the grandparents. Perhaps sending them this article is a good first step, before diving into my recommendations below.
Present a United Front
There are a few things you need to have in place before you approach the situation. Make sure you and your husband are 100% on the same page with respect to how you want your children fed when they are away from your house. Not 99%, not “I’m sure he agrees,” not “he’ll do whatever I want.” Have the conversation. If you as parents don’t agree as to the amount, frequency, and quantity of junk food acceptable in your child’s diet, how do you expect others to follow your wishes?
This is especially important if it’s your spouse’s parents feeding your kids junk. While you need to have a unified front, one of you may have to draw a line in the sand, and it needs to be the one with the parents. If your husband may cave to his parents’ guilt trip, pressure, or other emotional entreaties, you’re fighting a losing battle—one that may harm your relationship with your in-laws and make you feel isolated and unsupported.
It’s possible that your parents or in-laws just need a little more information about what the kids can eat. They may be imagining your diet as bland and boring (grilled chicken and steamed broccoli), and the idea of offering your child raw carrot sticks instead of homemade cookies is a tough one for a baking-loving grandmother to accept.
Make a list of snacks or treats your child can eat at their house. Determine with your spouse your stance on ingredients like non-gluten grains and added sugar, and baked goods that are designed to mimic the “real deal.” Offer your parents options for baking or serving your kids snacks that will both feel like a treat while keeping them healthy. Again, you may have to compromise a little here, but if it helps to keep the peace in the family and keeps your kids from being plied with junk food you know is making them less healthy, it’s a net win.
Try Using Logic (Good Luck With That)
While I have limited faith that presenting them with logical facts will work here, it’s still worth a shot. First, your kids’ weight (even if they are obese) may still not be enough to convince them to lay off the junk food. They’ll cite upcoming growth spurts or “baby fat” yet to burn off as enough of a reason to “let them just be kids” and eat whatever they like. But there are things your parents aren’t seeing when it comes to your kids’ health, behaviors, and emotional state, and perhaps sharing them will help.
Make it personal. Your parents love their grandkids, so sharing the very personal ways their current diet is negatively affecting their health and happiness may have an impact. “Josh is getting teased at school because he’s fat; he tells us he really wants to look more like the other kids. Will you help him by having healthier snacks on hand at your house?” or “The last time they visited you, they had so much sugar that both kids were irritable and had diarrhea. I don’t want to ruin their weekend, so please give them fruit and meat sticks for snacks today.”
In addition, grandparents tend to listen to authority more than younger generations, so bring in the big guns: your pediatrician. Ask your doctor if sugar, wheat, or dairy may be behind some of your kids’ symptoms (skin breakouts, digestive issues, asthma, allergies, mood or attention span issues, etc.), or if their weight could signify potential health issues later in life. If they’re willing to agree that it could, you can bring that straight back to your parents.
Find the Emotional Root
The above could be your first attempt, but chances are you’ve done this before, and it hasn’t worked. This is because it’s impossible to win an emotional argument using logic—and your parents allowing your kids to eat junk food against your wishes (and against your kids’ best health interest) is highly emotional.
It’s time to have a serious talk with your parents or in-laws—but not the logical appeals you’ve previously shared. Here is where you sit down (not over food), in a warm, neutral space and ask them about their experiences with food, and how those experiences may play into how they are feeding your child.
While this discussion may not change anything in the dynamic, it may give you greater insight as to your parents’ (or in-laws’) emotional relationship with food, and why they feel the need to “spoil” or “treat” your kids the way they do. If nothing else, it may help to repair what may have become a tense relationship, as you’ve been battling over food and your kids’ care for some time now.
Did your family use food for love, comfort, or praise?
Why do you stock up on treats for your grandkids?
How would you feel about saying “no” to their requests for junk food?
Can you think of other ways to show them how much you care?
Set Healthy Boundaries
Finally, if none of these tactics change the way your parents feed your kids, it’s time to set some healthy boundaries. While you might be tempted to restrict your parents’ access to the kids until they comply with your dietary wishes, that’s not the solution. First, your kids (and parents) will see it as a punishment, and will either rebel, sneaking time (and junk food) behind your back, or resent you for standing in the way of their relationship. This will only lead to more of an “us vs. them” mentality around food,and it’s really not fair to either party.
However, it’s perfectly reasonable to limit the way your kids interact with their grandparents. You’re free to eliminate unsupervised visits, or restrict visits to your home or a neutral (non-restaurant) location, where they can’t ply the kids with junk food.
Finally, if your parents are still disrespectful of your wishes and boundaries, it’s time to take further action. At this point, I suggest working with a family counselor to determine a strategy that will be healthiest for you and your kids.
While dealing with friends and family can be difficult, I hope these tips will help you find a compromise that works for your family in a way that keeps everyone happy and healthy.
Best in health,
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Remember, we aren’t answering questions about the Whole30 rules via this column (use the forum!), nor are we able to offer you specific advice about your medical issue, health condition, or body composition.
Melissa Hartwig is a Certified Sports Nutritionist, and the author of the New York Times bestselling book It Starts With Food and The Whole30: The 30-Day Guide to Total Health and Food Freedom. She has been featured in the Wall Street Journal, Details, Outside, Redbook, and Shape as the co-founder of Whole9 and the Whole30 program. Melissa lives in Salt Lake City, UT.
Photo credit: Taylor Gage, She Thrives Blog