Dear Melissa, I need help setting and holding holiday boundaries. All of them. Please. —Stressed Already
Hi Stressed,
‘Tis the season… for pushy questions, judgmental comments, unrealistic expectations, and unrelenting demands for your time, energy, and wallet. The holidays can be the most wonderful time, but they’re also accompanied by a sleigh-load of stress, burnout, and resentment.
Parents—mostly moms—feel pressure to create the “perfect” day for their kids and their parents. Gift-giving is time-consuming, exhausting, and expensive. (That’s before you’re expected to make a list for Grandma and Grandpa too.) Family members provoke “debates” around politics or current events. People talk about their diets, their food, your food, your kid’s food. There can be pressure to drink. And always, brace for fun questions like, “When are you going to have a baby?” or “Have you thought about coming back to church?”
A few weeks ago, I asked the Whole30 Instagram audience, “What kind of boundaries do you need help with this holiday season?” Though I received tons of responses, four areas were the most popular—or more accurately, the most challenging. Of course, I am the Boundary Lady, so you’re in good hands. Let’s cover the most common holiday boundary scenarios, and how you can handle them with grace and confidence.
Gifts
“I want to change how I gift this year.” (Fewer gifts, less expensive gifts, or no gifts.)
You can handle gifting any way you want; there are infinite possibilities between “all the gifts for everyone” and “no gifts for anyone.” Ideally, you’d have these conversations as early as possible, but it’s not too late! Half of consumers do their shopping in December, with many completing their purchases the week before Christmas. Think about the kind of time, energy, and money you are willing to spend this year. Here are some ideas:
- Go no-gift. Tell people you are not buying gifts for anyone this year, and people should not get you anything. “I have everything I need, and I want to see what Christmas feels like without the pressure and commercialism of gifts.”
- Gift only to kids under 12, and receive no gifts from adults.
- Enact a price limit on all gifts you give.
- Limit the number of gifts you give (one per person, or one per couple).
- Enact a Secret Santa with the adults who want to participate, and opt out of gifting with the rest.
- Instead of gifts, donate to charity in your family’s name.
- Skip shopping and give everyone gift cards or cash.
- Make a specific list for your child, so you don’t get twelve toys they’ll only use once.
Script: “This year, I’m going to do gifting differently.” Then share your limit, and stick to it.
How you spend your day
“My parents expect us at their house Christmas morning. We want to stay home with the kids.”
This also applies to “my parents expect us to travel to them,” and “our parents expect us to visit both houses on Christmas day.” You can and should spend your holiday the way you want, and Christmas can happen on any day, which can be a fun way to extend the celebration. This is especially important if you now have kids of your own, and want to create your own traditions.
- Visit their house Christmas Eve, but spend the day at home
- Invite them to your house Christmas morning so you and the kids can relax
- Designate another weekend to travel and celebrate “Christmas” then
- Spend the morning at your house, and have dinner with your parents
- Alternate your visits (one year with one set of parents, the next year with the others)
- Offer to travel for either Thanksgiving or Christmas, but not both
Script: “We’re spending Christmas morning at home this year, with just the kids. We’ll still come over for dinner, and you can save the kids’ gifts until then.”
Intrusive questions
“Family and friends ask questions that are sensitive, too personal, or I just don’t want to answer.“
“When are you going to have a baby?” Questions like this can evoke dread and anxiety well before the gathering. Other top hits include, “Why aren’t you going to church?” “Are you two ever getting married?” and “Isn’t working that much hard on the kids?” Mumbling, making a joke, or sucking it up and answering (again) aren’t your only options here.
- Set the boundary ahead of time by telling family members, “Please don’t ask me about (X). It makes me uncomfortable, and I won’t be talking about it.”
- Task your mom or sister with spreading the word: “Jordan and Sam will be here soon, and we’re not going to ask them about having a baby. Give it a rest this year.”
- If you’re confronted with it, interrupt with a boundary, then change the subject.
- Use this as a teaching opportunity, if you have capacity. “I’ll be honest, we’ve had a hard time getting pregnant, and it’s painful every time someone asks. We’ll come to you if we have news to share.”
- If they continue to tease or press you, excuse yourself from the conversation.
Script: “Oh, wait—we’re not going to talk about that. But Aunt Mary, how was your trip to Florida?”
Food and drink
“There is judgment, pressure, or commentary around what I am (or am not) eating or drinking.“
Mom insists you have a piece of lasagna, even though she knows gluten gives you digestive distress. Brother-in-law pressures you to have “just one” and calls you boring when you don’t. Gram side-eyes your plate and says, “Are you going to eat all that?” These kinds of questions or comments around your diet can make the most pleasant dinner exhausting.
- Embrace “no, thanks” as a complete sentence. That’s truly all you have to say.
- If people press, give them something they can’t argue with: I don’t want one; I’ve had enough; it won’t make me feel good; I’m just not feeling it tonight.
- If someone comments on your plate, reply with a smile, “Yes, I am going to eat all of this.” Then change the subject.
- My go-to for alcohol is, “I’m not drinking right now.”
- You can also say, “I already have a drink,” and hold up your water, mocktail, or kombucha.
- BYO non-alcoholic beverage, gluten-free brownies, or any other food or drink that will make the gathering more enjoyable.
Script: “Please don’t comment on my plate. I don’t need help deciding what to eat.”
Season’s Greetings (with boundaries)
Remember, boundaries aren’t selfish, and they aren’t about pushing people away. Healthy boundaries improve the relationship, such that you can both show up open, trusting, and willing to connect. They also protect your time, energy, mental health, and budget, such that you get to enjoy your holidays too. (And you should!) Set the limits that allow you to celebrate with those you love in a way that feels good to you.
For scripts for all kinds of boundary-related scenarios with co-workers, friends, romantic partners, in-laws, and total strangers, read or listen to The Book of Boundaries.
Happy holidays,
Melissa
P.S. Find me on Instagram @melissau for more holiday and boundary advice.
