By Melissa Urban, Whole30 co-founder and CEO
I’m an Abstainer all the way. Many addicts are (I have 20 years of recovery from my drug addiction), but as far back as I can remember, I’ve always been black or white, on or off, with no such thing as 50 shades of anything in between. It’s easier for Abstainers to not eat any of it (or never eat it) than to only eat some (or eat it sometimes). For Abstainers, the idea of concrete rules around your eating habits is both comforting and freeing.
Moderators hate the idea of never eating or drinking something. If you’re a Moderator, you’ll feel your resolve strengthen and your shoulders relax when you have just a little, or have some here and there. Strict rules and absolutes are much harder for Moderators. You feel better, and your habits are easier to maintain, when nothing is off-limits and you go with the flow.
Given this dichotomy, you’d think Abstainers would have a hard time with the idea of food freedom, because most people assume that food freedom is moderation. Eat everything you want—just not all at once, or in giant portions, or every single day. For Moderators, this concept is easy. “I can have anything I want, any time I want it—I’ll just choose the quantity and frequency that works for me.”
However, viewing food freedom through a moderation lens is terrible news for Abstainers. It’s exhausting for Abstainers to think about “moderating;” the very concept makes our brains go into overdrive. “What’s a little? What’s too much? What’s too often?” For Abstainers, it’s much easier to say, “I either eat/drink that all the time, or I never do.” Which doesn’t sound very freedom-y, does it?
The good news is that food freedom can have nothing to do with moderation, and can be just as easy to maintain for Abstainers as it is for Moderators.
Food freedom as an Abstainer
If you’re an Abstainer like me, here’s your takeaway: Food Freedom isn’t about moderati. It’s about making conscious, deliberate decisions in the moment, honoring whether it’s worth it and you want it. Every opportunity to eat or drink is a discrete instance; a stand-alone moment in time where you get to decide “yes” or “no.” And that makes it sound more like the “black or white” thinking Abstainers are comfortable with, doesn’t it? Let me illustrate with a story:
I just finished a family dinner, and there are cupcakes for dessert. So I run through my Food Freedom checklist: “Do I want it? Is it worth it? Will it mess me up, and if so, how? Am I comfortable accepting those consequences?”
There are only two answers here. The first is, “Yes, it’s worth it and I really want it.” The second is that the cupcake fails one or more of those criteria. (Pro tip: When it comes to food freedom, a “kinda” or “maybe” or “sort-of” is a no for me. Plus it’s not like you can kinda eat something. You either do, or you don’t… even if it’s just one bite.)
If you’re an Abstainer, you’ll think about every choice as an “on or off” moment—no moderation in sight. You either eat the cupcake, or you don’t, continuing the dialogue with further choices. With cupcake number two: “Do I want this second one, and is this second one worth it, yes or no?” When contemplating another glass of wine: “Is another glass of wine worth it, and do I even want a second glass, yes or no?” This can happen in a split second inside your head, with just a brief moment of pause and self-reflection. Or you can give yourself a bigger pause (“Not right now, but I’ll let you know if I change my mind”) to help you answer “yes” or “no” in the way that works best for you.
What’s important for Abstainers is realizing that each instance is totally independent. You may say yes to the wine tonight, but tomorrow night it’s just not worth it. You may pass on the cupcake on your kid’s birthday, but choose to savor one in peace and quiet the next day. You may prepare your entire meal dairy-free… then eat ice cream for dessert. This is not moderation. It’s conscious, deliberate decision-making in the moment—yes or no—one hundred percent of the time.
If you’re an Abstainer, this approach may open doors to food freedom that previously appeared closed. Still, I don’t want to leave the Moderators out.
Food freedom as a Moderator
If you’re a Moderator and love thinking about your food freedom in terms of “I can have anything I want any time I want, in moderation,” then go on with your moderating self! If it helps you to think about your food freedom in terms of regular small indulgences, fantastic.
But your decisions also must be conscious, deliberate, and honor what you want in the moment. Moderating is not code for “automatically snacking on everything that comes my way.” Skipping your Food Freedom checklist means you completely bypass self-awareness and deliberate decision-making. This can lead to you “moderating” your way through four mindlessly-eaten cookies, two more glass of wine (how is the bottle empty?), and a late-night bag of chips. “Why did I do that,” you think, as you climb into bed with a splitting headache and an upset stomach.
That’s not moderation or food freedom—that’s your brain screaming for reward, and you not checking in with yourself at all under the guise of “everything in moderation.” In this scenario, you’re not in touch with what you really want, and you’re not making any conscious deliberate decisions. The hard truth is, you won’t find true food freedom lazily drifting down a river of sweets and treats on a “moderation” floatie. You must commit to honest self-awareness throughout the process… and that means actively working your Food Freedom plan even as you moderate.
Food Freedom for all
In summary, if you’re an Abstainer, there’s a way to think about food freedom in a way that totally works for you. If you’re a Moderator, you can think about it our way, or your own way—that’s cool! Just remember that regardless of your big-picture approach, true food freedom only exists when you make conscious, deliberate decisions, honoring what you really want in that moment.
For more on obtaining and sustaining true food freedom, read my New York Times best-selling book, Food Freedom Forever. To read Gretchen Rubin’s take on Abstainer vs. Moderator, read her best-selling book, Better Than Before. (If ever two books complimented each other beautifully, this it is.)
