Food boundaries aren’t just about food
Since 2009 (the earliest days of Whole30), I’ve spent a lot of time helping people stick to their Whole30 commitment by saying no to the break room donuts, cake at the birthday party, or glass of wine at happy hour. But those aren’t the only food-related boundary conversations you might need to have. In fact, in The Book of Boundaries, I’ve devoted an entire section to crucial boundaries around “table talk.”
Here’s an excerpt adapted from Chapter 8, Clearing the Table: Setting Boundaries Around Food, Alcohol, and Table Talk.
Boundaries at the table
There are many problematic conversations or behaviors that tend to happen over and around food, where you may find a boundary is needed. Dieting, calorie counts, and weight loss are commonly discussed over food, and in a lot of families, so are bodies, especially related to weight or size.
Food is often a catalyst for body image issues, a trigger for disordered behaviors, and a tool of manipulation (especially targeting women). As many Whole30’ers have discovered, you may start to flex your boundary muscles over that piece of cake or glass of wine, then strengthen them by asking others not to talk about their weight loss diet or comment on your body. The way I look at it, anything said at, around, or over the table is fair game when it comes to setting boundaries to preserve peaceful, healthy, happy mealtimes.
Breaking the cycle starts with you
“This pie is going straight to my thighs.” “It’s going to take forever to burn this off.” “I’m saving my calories for wine.” I’ve heard my aunts and cousins say stuff like this a hundred times during the holidays. It was passed down to them by their parents, and my young ears certainly picked up on the underlying messages: Calories are bad, food is the enemy, and gaining weight is unacceptable. I’m now trying to interrupt these toxic patterns for myself and for younger generations.
Here are some things you can do to help break this diet culture curse:
- DON’T talk about food over food. This is one of the simplest and most impactful boundaries you can set for your mental health and the health of your social group—see The Book of Boundaries for more.
- DON’T talk about other people’s food choices. That also applies to comments about how much food is on someone’s plate, your perception of their appetite, or the foods they chose (or passed on).
- DON’T add morality or judgment to any food or drink. Avoid referring to items on your plate (or anyone else’s) as “good,” “bad,” “clean,” or “junk.” This also goes for labeling food as “super fatty,” “pure sugar,” or “a calorie bomb,” phrases often tied to body weight.
- DON’T talk about your body or anyone else’s body. This is especially true if the comment is negative or disparaging, but it applies even if you think it’s complimentary (like “you look like you’ve lost weight”). Find something else—anything else—to compliment.
- DON’T reinforce diet culture. Avoid making comments about food “going to my thighs,” telling someone they’re “good” for passing on dessert, laughing about “saving your calories” for dessert, or commenting that you’ll “work this breakfast off” in the gym.
Here are some positive behaviors you can model, to set the stage for new family dynamics:
- DO talk about your food’s taste, memories, or traditions, instead of calories, fat, or sugar grams. Say things like, “This pie always reminds me of mom,” “I always look forward to Gran’s lasagna,” or “I love it when marshmallows and vegetables come together.”
- DO lead by example. Use value-neutral language around food and your body. Proactively set clear, kind boundaries when conversation topics turn triggering or harmful.
- DO say no clearly and kindly, speaking for yourself. “I don’t want bread today, but thanks,” or “I’d rather have green bean casserole today, so you can pass the sweet potato casserole down.”
- DO model listening to your body. You can do that by saying, “I’m not sure if I want more; I’m going to sit for a few minutes and see what my stomach says,” or “I’m quite sure I don’t want any, my body is just the right amount of full.”
- DO be extra-cautious around children and teens. They’re the most impressionable, and the most likely to be harmed by the modeling of diet culture. You can help to shift their perception of food, calories, and their bodies with your own boundary language. “I trust my body to know when I’ve had enough. There is no need to comment on how much anyone is eating.”
Body weight, bodies, and food choices
Sometimes even the people we love will say things about our bodies that make us anxious, unhappy, or insecure. Much like alcohol, setting limits around the kind of diet, weight, and body talk you will and will not be present for can be necessary. If you have a history of disordered eating, diet talk can be incredibly triggering and detrimental to your recovery. Even if you don’t have experience with disordered eating or body image issues (who, tho?), I don’t believe it’s healthy for anyone to bring up body weight or food choices, especially over a meal. We get enough weight loss diet culture influence already—we don’t need to hear more of it over a delicious dinner with loved ones.
Often, these types of potentially triggering conversations occur without anyone consciously choosing to bring them up; they’re ingrained in our social dynamics, especially in women. By clearly communicating your own limits here, you’ll preserve your healthy relationship with food and your body, and help others become more aware of how often they focus on calories, weight loss, or their bodies. In fact, your boundaries here could very well be the first step toward helping your social groups find other ways to talk about food and health.
Here’s an example of a script from this chapter, using my Green/Yellow/Red boundary framework:
My relatives are always commenting on my body—especially when I’ve lost weight. They speculate openly about how much weight I’ve lost and make comments about my food with respect to “keeping the weight off.” I find this uncomfortable and often triggering. How can I communicate this when they’ve never even heard of “diet culture?”
Green: “I know you mean well, but I’d rather not discuss my weight. Don’t you love this sweater, though?/Did you hear about my promotion?/I did just finish my first 5K, though!” (Direct them to something else to compliment.)
Yellow: “Please don’t talk about my body or my weight in front of me. Comments like that make me uncomfortable.” (Change the subject.)
Red: “I’ve asked you not to comment on my body. If you won’t respect that, I’m going to head out.” (Leave the table, room, or gathering.)
For people who have been deeply entrenched in weight loss diet culture, “You look thinner” is the ultimate compliment, and they might not understand why you’re not taking it that way. If they push back by saying, “No, it’s a compliment,” you can explain that regardless of how they meant it, you don’t want to hear ANY comments about your body, period. If you want to share more of your perspective or personal experience, do so after the meal. Just remember, people don’t need to understand your boundary in order to respect it.
Your holiday (or any day) boundary handbook
The Book of Boundaries offers advice, conversational strategies, tips for navigating pushback, and word-for-word scripts around food, drink and table talk—and every other relationship in your life. Start by setting and holding boundaries during your Whole30 and watch that confidence spill over into your relationships at work, with family and friends, in your romantic relationships and co-parenting, even with yourself, as you set and hold the limits that help you reclaim your time, energy, mental health, and capacity.
Best in health and boundaries,
Melissa
P.S. You can always find me on Instagram @melissau. I’ve got lots of boundaries scripts, role play, and tips there too! DM me your boundary questions on any subject—and be sure to send me your boundary success stories too.
Adapted from The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free by Melissa Urban. Copyright © 2022 by Melissa Urban. Excerpted by permission of The Dial Press, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted withoutpermission in writing from the publisher.
