Dear Melissa, We’re coming up on holiday party season. I know food freedom means deciding whether foods or drinks are “worth it,” and asking, “Do I even want it?” But this can be hard when the host is offering you something, standing right there waiting for you to eat it! Or when your co-worker hands you a bottle of beer and holds his up for a toast. Help me work my Food Freedom plan in a way that doesn’t hurt my host’s feelings? -Brenda H., Facebook
Dear Brenda,
These situations aren’t always easy. You want to be a gracious and appreciative guest! And if you’re a people-pleaser, it can feel even harder to say no. Let’s create a plan of action, and practice some simple boundary phrases to help you feel more relaxed and confident. But first, a quick reminder:
You are not in the spotlight
Nobody at the holiday gathering cares what you are eating. Embrace that. Nobody cares! Most likely, people aren’t even paying attention. Your fellow guests are mingling, talking, and enjoying themselves. No one is spying on what is (or isn’t) on your plate. It may feel like everyone is watching, but how realistic is that?
Think back to your last social outing and ask yourself, “Did I notice which foods my boss/friend/Aunt Sara declined to eat?” You didn’t—and nobody else will either. Doesn’t that take some of the pressure off?
Of course, someone (like the host) does approach you, and will notice whether you accept or refuse. Drawing on Food Freedom Forever and The Book of Boundaries, here’s how I’d handle this one:
Have a mental “no thank you” list
Before you arrive at the party, mentally review the foods or drinks you know won’t be worth it for you. For me, that’s alcohol. I hate feeling tipsy in social situations, and it’s never worth the headache and terrible sleep. Maybe yours is gluten (the skin breakouts for your party this weekend—not worth it); or too much sugar (the fire-breathing Sugar Dragon that will awaken—not worth it).
If you don’t have any strictly off-limits (or off-limits given the context) foods and beverages, just move onto the next step.
Make Sure You Know What You’re Eating
When offered a food or drink, if it’s not totally evident, make sure you know what’s in it so you can accurately evaluate. You can do so politely with questions like “That looks great, what is it?” or “What kind of filling is in this?” It’s better to ask than take a bite of a bacon-wrapped-something, not knowing if it’s stuffed with goat cheese.
If It’s On Your “No” List
Politely say “Oh, no thank you.” Literally, that’s all you have to say. If you feel the need to follow up, just say, “I can’t do dairy, sadly,” or “I’m saving my appetite for those chicken skewers, they’re delicious.”
Otherwise, “Is It Worth It?”
Gluten isn’t a huge deal for me; I know the effects of reasonable amounts are pretty negligible, as long as I don’t overdo it. Still, I don’t like pie or brownies that much, so if offered, I’ll pass. If it’s not worth it or you don’t want it, JUST SAY “NO, THANK YOU.” It really can be that easy. If you feel the need to follow up with an explanation, you can always say, “I’ve been munching all night,” or “I’m saving dessert for later.”
If it does seem worth it (CUPCAKE), I’ll evaluate on the spot whether I really want it, and whether I’m willing to accept the consequences. If I need to buy myself some space and time here, I’ll say to the host, “Not right now, I just finished (fill in other food), but those look delicious. I’ll come back around in a few.” (Refer to In the Moment Success Strategies on page 87 in Food Freedom Forever for more techniques.)
FYI, What I’m NOT going to do is get all flustered and accept something without even stopping to consider whether it’s worth it or I want it. I have a Food Freedom holiday plan. I’m going to follow it. The end.
When You Eat
If it’s worth it, I’ll accept a small portion or piece. (This is the beauty of most parties—it’s usually small appetizer-sized portions or shareable bites, but you can always say, “Just a sliver” or “Does someone want to split this with me?”) If it seems like the host is waiting to see what I think, I’ll take a bite and compliment him or her. Yes, even if I don’t absolutely love it. It’s about their effort and intention, not the food itself, and you can still do this honestly by saying, “You’re such a great cook,” or “The crust is so light and flaky.”
If I really don’t want to eat any more, I’ll try not to without being rude. I’ll engage her in conversation while holding onto my food or excuse myself to mingle with other guests, and then I’ll see if someone else wants to finish what I have.
If that’s not possible in a graceful fashion, I’m going to decide what’s more important; avoiding the consequences, or avoiding hurting my host’s feelings. (Since I already decided the food or drink is worth it, I usually err on the side of “be graceful and deal with the consequences.”)
This is NOT license to say, “What the hell, I’ve already messed up, let’s dive-bomb the entire dessert table.” Finish what you’ve eaten, choose your next food or beverage just as carefully and deliberately, and continue working your Food Freedom plan throughout the rest of the event.
If This Seems Like Overkill
Finally, I recognize that many of you will read this and think, OMG Whole30 Lady, this is INTENSE. It’s just a piece of baklava. Lighten up.
Agreed, you guys. This is a whole lot of plan for what might amount to a one-hour holiday party. It might sound exhausting. It might sound extreme. And if you don’t need this kind of robust step-by-step to stay in control, happy, and healthy during the holidays, SWEET.
But for my Whole30’ers who really DO need a detailed road map for social situations, this is going to be really helpful. One person’s information overload is another’s reassuring playbook, so don’t judge if your friend writes this holiday checklist on her hand before your office party. We’re all trying to find our own version of food freedom, and for the right person, this plan will help you find small victories throughout the season, bringing you more self-confidence and even happier holidays.
Best in holiday health,
Melissa
