Dear Melissa: Dating on the Whole30 (or with dietary restrictions)

It may feel awkward to go on a date when you’re not drinking alcohol, can’t do dairy, and the restaurant they suggested doesn’t have a gluten-free menu. Will they ask a million questions about your “weird diet?” Will they think you’re being extra when you ask whether the salad has croutons? It may feel intimidating, but dates on the Whole30 (or with food sensitivities) are not only doable, they can run just as smoothly as any other date.

The tips that follow can help you make the most out of your dinner date conversations. They don’t guarantee zero awkward moments, but they’ll help you set the stage for how you eat, and set boundaries around what is (or isn’t) up for discussion.

Plant the seed

Prep your date for what’s to come before you make plans. While you’re talking on the phone, texting, or messaging, say something like, “I’d love to meet for lunch, but I’ll need to be a little more conscientious than usual about where I eat. I’m doing a Whole30 right now, have you heard of it?” Maybe they’ve done one too, and you can talk about your non-scale victories, favorite recipes, and how you both eat in your Food Freedom.

If you’re not doing the program but avoid certain foods, mention that here as well. “I don’t react well to gluten, so I avoid it. I’m pretty good about finding gluten-free options just about anywhere.” This can help you choose a location that works well for both of you. Same if you don’t drink; mention that up front, so they know not to surprise you with a wine bar.

This could prompt a good conversation about how you eat, how they eat, and your health goals. If they ask more about the Whole30, emphasize why you’re doing the program, the benefits you’ve experienced personally, and the foods you are eating on the program. Or maybe they scoff at the idea of your “fad diet,” or suggest gluten sensitivity isn’t real… which allows you to gracefully see yourself out before wasting any more time.

Plan carefully

At this point in the pre-date conversation, a perceptive person would ask for your coffee shop or restaurant input (bonus points). If not, however, it’s time to help direct your date’s events in a way that works for both of you.

• “Have you been to Vessel Kitchen? They have a delicious menu with lots of variety, and it’s pretty low-key.” (Order from their Whole30 Approved menu.)
• “How about Mexican?” (Chicken fajita, no tortilla, extra vegetables, guacamole, and salsa–ask if they can serve the guac with sliced cucumbers or carrot sticks instead of chips.) 
• “Do you want to grab Chipotle and eat at the park? I’ll bring a blanket and LaCroix, you can bring some fruit and whatever else you might want.” (Build a Whole30 salad bowl!)
• “Yeah, I’m totally down to meet for a drink first.” (You already told them you’re not drinking, so order something non-alcoholic, casual as can be.)

Don’t feel the need to frame everything around your Whole30. If they suggest Italian, you can say, “Italian’s not my favorite” or “I’m not feeling Italian, how about the new Mexican place downtown?” If they try to bring it back to your diet (“Yeah, it would probably be hard to do no bread or pasta at an Italian place…”) you can either say, “It’s definitely harder, thanks for thinking of that,” or keep it simple: “Oh, I can find something to eat pretty much anywhere, but let’s do something else.”

Don’t assume

Don’t go into the date assuming your date is going to give you the third degree in person. When you get to the restaurant or coffee shop, just order: “Americano, black please,” or “burger, no bun and no cheese, and I’ll take the veggies as my side.” If you don’t turn it into a thing, your date is less likely to as well.

The conversation might naturally gravitate to the way you eat, but it also might not. If this is a first date and you’re keeping it light, just go with the flow. If you want to see them again, you can always share more about your dietary preferences or Whole30 commitment between dates.

Remember my first rule of food: Don’t talk about food over food. If they do get curious (or defensive) about why you’re doing the Whole30 or whether you think dairy is “bad for you,” politely deflect and change the subject. “I hate talking about food over food, it kind of ruins it for me. Happy to share more later, though. Tell me about your job, what do you like best about it?”

Use “I” statements

If they do ask about the way you eat or you want to talk about your Whole30 outside of the meal, share a few personal reasons for your commitment or decisions. Try something like, “I’m sensitive to gluten and dairy makes me break out, so I usually avoid them unless it’s really worth it.” You could also say, “I’m doing this dietary self-experiment to see which foods work best for me. It’s been interesting so far, I’ve got another two weeks.”

This could prompt a fun back-and-forth, where you can share some of the foods that do and don’t work for you. Maybe they have some of the same dietary restrictions or values! This could also force a red flag. If you say, “Even outside of the Whole30, I don’t really drink” and your date acts like that’s a problem, byeeee. 

Avoid quoting the “science,” because that’s a minefield. Don’t make blanket statements like “people shouldn’t drink cow’s milk” or “gluten is terrible for your gut,” because (a) that is not accurate and (b) sounds judgmental as hell. Finally, refuse to debate what’s “healthiest,” because you know there is never a one-size-fits-all. Avoid this by always returning to commonality: “Nice! Everyone is different, and I’m a big fan of figuring out what works for you.” 

Agree to Disagree

If you discover factors that are deal-breakers (they’re a staunch vegan and won’t date a meat-eater, or they’re big into wine tastings and you don’t drink), it’s better to know now and cut your losses.  

If you find you disagree about beliefs that aren’t dealbreakers (pizza toppings, whether cottage cheese is great or gross, they hate sushi) use the opportunity to get curious and learn more about them. You don’t have to agree on everything to go on a second date. Discussing your differences here can be a good way to judge compatibility. (But if they’re not into pineapple on pizza, I’d want to know why.)

I hope this helps you navigate the tricky world of first dates. With a little planning, preparation, and confidence, you’ll sail through that first meeting, and potentially set the stage for future dates. Cheers to Whole30 and first date success!

XO Melissa